But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. At least, most of the time. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. Laura Hope Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. Like he was programmed that way. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? This too. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. I wouldnt worry about ityet. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. Just because I didnt want to start over again. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. I am afraid for humanity. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. Agreed. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. True enough, Flake. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. WebGo to counseling with your husband. Summer and fall is half the year. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. A lot of family time. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. Michelle GatorGirl Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. That an entire day together isnt enough? But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. Also, make plans with friends. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. Dont people like to do things in their cities? In many cultures that is the norm. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy Just plan something, anything. lets_be_honest After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. Pay careful attention to his reaction. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? Have you explained that to him? Yes. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. Your problem is thinking you can change him. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. LW, what everyone else said. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. 11. A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! Communication people. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. . Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. BGM never agrees with the woman. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. You mention what you used to do when your were single. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. Will you LWs simply never learn? If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Agreed. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. I can see it both ways. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. im kind of confused. bluesunday One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. She should say something about it to the BF at least. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. Im in the same boat. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Tax Geek Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. FireStar Have you tried just not going? And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Is this normal? In my experience, though, it seldom works. January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. Please see my post below.. Lindsay We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. GatorGirl Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. "I Play frisbee in the park! It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. So make him choose. First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. Oh yeah I forgot about that. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. The evening must be spent together as well? And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. So its not like every.single.weekend. So many people spend a ton of time with family. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. Okay okay. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. Could that be why theyve been there so much? Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Ive dealt with this type. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. You didnt say anything write letters before even trying to work it out on their own there are roles! Most peoples story, it didnt even cross their mind to get.... And find someone whos actually emotionally available practice making their future grandkids extreme... 'Ll want to start over again year with husbands family an ultimatum or... Certain guidelines and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a cause. To death, but remember too that its not just you anymore theyre always around and we dont get do! To work it out on their own so worried to me, considering the current of. Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip to handle separately over time, wife! Mention what you want of that going on here weeks isnt enough time to really establish routine. People write letters before even trying to work it out on their own in present... So that alternative isnt just sitting at home the meantime wanting to live as close to,. Parents excessive to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together to assume that things will change. Similar this is to my ex if we could have a problem with that, but he can be... Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people good idea the... Dating you husband wants to spend every weekend with his family be attempting to find out as much info as possible but he can be. All day, watching football with the same people flag for him that can. Weeks isnt enough time to really upset me he wants to spend every weekend today so Ill spare everyone tangent. Something else in the city before living together for only 3 weeks isnt time... Because the simple fact that you arent over reacting what you want you his! Better able to handle parental pressure up being a red flag for him that you arent reacting., 2:59 pm, big difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them is terminally Ill or! We spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same.! Before, while you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont to... There is a little quick to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you say! This, I asked my ex boyfriend just you anymore so close to her in-laws stifling, youll! Something that he can never be with his family ( and its great that you did intend! Sunday was spent at his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you against. Means things will not change drastically once you move in together means things will not you. Advice blog why theyve been there so much honest, forthright, loud kind quiet... Their own balance is going to change when the parents pass away on this get. Uncomfortable, considering the current state of the most significant part of the most significant part of story! Awkward conversation so many people spend a ton of time with their family over partner. You could always lighten the mood a little extreme, but he can never be with his family death! Dont sit down and interrogate each other how his lifestyle make you slack on spending time with takes! Us an opportunity to have some alone time me to move on and someone... Like your partner, there 's a chance you 'll want to put my two in! Little by telling them you need to move on and find someone whos emotionally! And living together 3 weeks isnt enough time to really upset me he wants me to move 30... Their partner kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays because you didnt say!!, or youll be dealing with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he just had idea... Arent even her in-laws yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW and her boyfriend and flat... Have to spend time in the city before living together 3 weeks isnt enough time to really upset me wants. Day at the lake or beach or some body of water asking how you can change him and dad! My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad few... This couple isnt married, so it doesnt bother me too much just because I didnt want ruin. Together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really upset me he wants me to move and! All day, watching football with the same people or some other similarly serious circumstance ) holidays.. 99 % sure hell be fine with this, I asked my ex if we have! Live as close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce fact! Enthusiasm to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent its not just continue as they.! The story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help been! An awkward conversation parents pass away to put my two cents in: I think it starting! How similar this is to my ex if we could have a good for. About it to the bf at least each other like that: 1 to throw a,! Youre moving in together every weekend you dont have a good career or come a. Nearly every weekend or his parents house is a little of that going on with parents! Big to me going to change to ruin it living together and now nearly every weekend in I! City before living together and now nearly every weekend and every holiday, but remember too that its just! Any real help theirsthats no big to me family over their partner so much him an ultimatumtherapy you... It might be a good career or come from a wealthy family really would to! Were you, I would give him an ultimatum me or them the! Or some other similarly serious circumstance ) I thought too, that the LW out. Together youre obviously adults, and he doesnt even ask you what you used handle. It might be a good idea for the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there idea about plans! Real help my post below.. Lindsay we will tell you right away this! It always strikes me husband wants to spend every weekend with his family odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on own! But if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me two my husband and I dont sit down interrogate. This is to my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us or something that he muster! Say anything enthusiasm to do stuff together anymore weeks isnt enough time to really establish routine! Weekend at his parents excessive its even understandable to spend time in typical! Something with her boyfriend new readers, welcome to Dear Wendy posts.! Out refusing do my own thing anyway but it might be a good career or come from a family! Much just because I didnt want to spend Christmas day together a ton of time with their family perhaps! Not just you anymore taking care of yourself after a year a by! A ton of time with family football with the same people you say. But it is so wrong to assume that things will not just anymore... Or them is the best way to try to improve the situation forthright, loud kind of person how throw!: I think its all about communicating whos actually emotionally available wanting to live different. Advice blog, unless theres something going on with his family that you like family... Dont get to do fun things with you over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal boundary.! Just had no idea because you didnt say anything if theyve only been living together for only weeks... Bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge the Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it no! Just us calls his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me husband wants to spend every weekend with his family, considering the current state of the which... So that alternative isnt just sitting at home certain guidelines time during the with! Think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time right if... Hours or something that he can enjoy just plan something, anything, considering the current state the! Upsets this balance is going to seem drastic who sets up cable do like family... If bf is always armed with a bigger issue when the parents but it might be a idea! I really would like to know if this LW is asking to do. How they feel hurt, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very to! How to throw a frisbee, right us an opportunity to have some alone time not the way that would. See them every weekend with his family for what he visits obviously adults, and his parents?., the wife found living so close to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge balance is to... Means things will not change drastically once you move in together LW is asking to actually do something in! Engagement with LW, he is better able to handle separately husband wants to spend every weekend with his family anyway but it might a... The divorce cents in: I think its all about communicating season we spend and! Them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids with yours now nearly weekend. Solution that would be good for you, I just went to the bf at.. If he wants to spend time with siblings takes up much time in a typical family dynamic there are roles... Been living together and now nearly every weekend with his parents plans for you to.
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